Introspection + Contemplation + Ideals

Living in a sandbox.
As children we played in a sandbox, filled with toy trucks, scoopers and buckets, free to build things and have fun. Some 20 or 30 years later, are we still playing in a sandbox as we live out our lives?

More days then not, I feel like life is about the accumulation of toys and things; things that we fancy and things that are for fun. The malls are overwhelming, overflowing abundantly with goods. Who ordered so much? And what happens to all the things that are not sold?

As adults we make money and we spend our disposable income on goods. And it's our every right to enjoy the bounties of our labour. But we end up getting toys... Toys I will call them because they have no consequence to the betterment of this world, but are there merely for our enjoyment and comfort.

Consumption is the engine that turns the wheels of our economy. We are programmed to want and to buy, right from childhood. Marketing companies know so much about our psyche, they bedazzle us through their advertisements, convincing us to buy their product. We have such strong associations with brands and emotional attachment to them and we have readily available ammunition to defend the products we love.

And all the while the world is hungry. While the planet is stretched beyond it's ecological capacity.

It's interesting that the measure of how well our economy is doing is in consumer confidence. When consumer confidence falls, the economists and investors get jittery, because money must flow from the rich to the rich. Who will buy up all the goods that were produced?

From childhood we are programmed... by society and by our parents. Playing with cars and playing house… it all comes true in our adulthood. We get a good education, to have a good job, to be comfortable. To be well off and to "make it". Having money so we can choose from a variety of options. The choice to choose any toy we want in the sandbox. Whatever and whenever. Without this freedom, we feel trapped... as if in a box.

We learn to desire and we learn to deserve these things, acquiring a keen sense of entitlement... sensitive and relative to what our peers get.

And through it all, I believe we become irrelevant, indifferent to the rest of the world. It's about my enjoyment and me only. We become senile to the things that matter… we become removed and ineffective to the hurts of this world; we exacerbate the hurts of the world... and if ever criticized, we deflect and combat this criticism and creatively legitimize our actions and inactions… because "I am right" or "this is your opinion, not mine" or "it's not my problem".

They say with knowledge comes responsibility. Then as educated citizens of this earth, what are we responsible for?

"'Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy."

To me every choice has a consequence, an implication. I believe life is no longer a playground without consequences. There is responsibility. Perhaps it starts with a balanced lifestyle of consumption (like a balanced diet), conscious of our impact... shall we call it responsible toy buying?

The 1993 film Schindler's List is based on a true story of a German businessman who saves over a thousand Jews during the Holocaust by employing them in his factory. One scene haunts me to this day. Near the end, when the Jews in his factory are about to be liberated by the Russians, Oskar Schindler must flee. The Jews give him a ring made from a worker’s golden teeth filings with the engravings “He who saves the life of one man, saves the world entire.” He is deeply moved and ashamed that he did not do more.

Oskar Schindler (Liam Neeson): I could have got more out. I could have got more. I don't know. If I'd just... I could have got more.
Itzhak Stern: Oskar, there are eleven hundred people who are alive because of you. Look at them.
Oskar Schindler: If I'd made more money... I threw away so much money. You have no idea. If I'd just...
Itzhak Stern: There will be generations because of what you did.
Oskar Schindler: I didn't do enough!
Itzhak Stern: You did so much.
[Schindler looks at his car]
Oskar Schindler: This car. Goeth would have bought this car. Why did I keep the car? Ten people right there. Ten people. Ten more people.
[removing Nazi pin from lapel]
Oskar Schindler: This pin. Two people. This is gold. Two more people. He would have given me two for it, at least one. One more person. A person, Stern. For this.
[sobbing]
Oskar Schindler: I could have gotten one more person... and I didn't! And I... I didn't!

This haunts me.

Our generation is in the midst of a time when we know what we should do, we know the consequences of our actions and inaction. We know that the ice caps are melting and our lifestyles consume the earth and people are starving. We are at a time in history where we can end extreme poverty: we have the knowledge, the technology.. yet we lack the collective will.

I have to remind myself of my past. I try not to forget where I've come from and what I've been through.

I think too many times there is a tenancy to have gold fish memory. It's easy to forget the trials we've been through, the dreams that have come true and the miracles that have happened in our lives.

Leading up to a dire or pivotal moment in life, all our attention is solely focussed on it, yet when it's over, we just accept it. And quickly it becomes insignificant and passively we move on to the next event in our lives. Too easily, it is erased by the next crisis.

As a child, think how much you wanted that particular toy.

Or when you were getting your drivers license, how you longed for the freedom to drive on the open road.

Or when you were applying to college or university, how desperately you wanted to get in to the program of your choice, thinking that it would forever determine your future.

Or when you looked for that first job after graduating, what a seemingly impossible task it was.

Or how earnestly you wanted to be in a relationship with a significant other.

Or how close you came to dying.

These pivotal moments in life are numerous and likely insignificant now. How many of them do we see as just luck or merely the logical sequence of events in hindsight?

I believe we are richly blessed as kings and queens in this world... yet we go about living, forgetting where we have come from, the importance of what we have been through. Instead of these events changing us permanently and leaving an everlasting mark on us, we go on as if nothing happened.

We have to remember to remember.

Who are you and what is your brand?
What value can you add?
What unique skills and insightful perspective can you contribute?

In which we have our resumes at hand: A few pages of writing to show what we can do, giving us identity; A few pages to showcase our skills and relevant experiences proving we are "top talent"; That we are valuable people and worth a certain salary.

And still it's not enough. We are bombarded by society to develop more and more our sales skills, leadership skills, managerial and technical skills.

On top of this we are invariably told to do the smart thing and make an investment in something; To get ahead and increase our financial net worth.

And we are told to love.

Wait... society doesn't bombard us to be loving, not overwhelmingly anyway. Wouldn't that be weird if it did? I find that the only strong message to be loving or caring come from the religious institutions that have become largely irrelevant, misinterpreted and forgotten by the non-religious. That and also children's shows like Sesame Street.

Perhaps that's why there is an influx of social justice and environmentalist movements among the socially conscious. These are dire times in the world, but maybe it speaks something about what people were created to do. That is, to love. Could it be that our souls have been so sapped by Western culture's push for productivity, self importance and self improvement that after the splurge in materialism turning out to be ineffective in dealing with matters of the heart, we now en mass turn to do something about this tug in our hearts?

If you've been doing something about the pains of the world before it became a cool and romantic endeavor, before it was good to include on a resume or business school application, then you are awesome.

Yet maybe I'm being too harsh... if the net effect is that people are helped, then perhaps motives aren't so important... another topic for another day.

I believe we should cultivate and grow our hearts so that this muscle that pumps blood through our veins remains strong, giving us energy to care for others and courage to do what is right. We should seek to develop a heart able enough in it's ability to love so that when the time of testing comes, it may not fail us.

Instead of seeking to build a resume full of accreditations and experiences demonstrating leadership, we should look to develop that unseen resume full of experiences and achievements done through a loving heart which includes both big causes and small daily ones.

Because, I believe that is what God will be looking for in the end.

What can I say? I am lucky in love. It will be our 9 year anniversary soon, which is also the day of our wedding. Who knew nine years ago that I would be marrying this wonderful person. Yes, sappy indeed, so please try to overcome the sappiness as you read.

As they say in the programming work I do, the "go-live" date is fast approaching in less then three weeks! And then we will be husband and wife. Should I be busy reading some books on "how to become a husband"? =)

Indeed, it is exciting times for me and my fiancée. We've had many memorable memories to date: getting the ring and asking her to marry me, the roaring applause of our friends at a certain restaurant the first friday after the engagement, the thick plotted surprise engagement party several weeks later, the renting of certain secret costumes (those that know... shhh!!!), scanning bar codes for the gift registry at our favourite discount retailer, chasing and getting our elusive apartment, finding out of certain "dirty" bridal shower gifts, clearing out two Wal-Marts worth of chocolates...

And don't worry, we will not disappear once we are married. It is continually cemented in our minds that life is about relationships. So I really hope to avoid situations where you will feel uncomfortable in the presence of a lovey dovey couple... but you may yell at us to "get a room!" if we ever do. And for those helping us through this time and have invested in us these years... thank you.

I am lucky, because she is certainly the only person in the world that would put up with me and my antics.

Is my mind half full or half empty? Of what you ask? I like to think that it's more full of optimism than not.

Some may see this glass of liquid as 'half full' while some may see the same cup as 'half empty'.

Just like the glass, you can look at life from different perspectives and have different opinions on things. A matter of optimism vs. pessimism, positivity vs. negativity.

There are things in life that I really value, that I find worth in. What those are exactly is not the point, but I'm thinking in a broader general sense. Take my university experience for example. As I discussed before, I learned and grew much. But to some others, the university experience (be it the particular school or program of study) was a waste of time and money.

Or take church for example. Some are negative about (their own) church and say it lacks this and that and express discontentment. But the exact same church is my place of comfort and contentment. Can we see things so differently?

Or Canadian health-care for example. Some say that the country's health care is deteriorating. But easily forgotten is the fact that we have universal public health care and state of the art medical facilities which many in the world don't have.

Do you notice the fullness or the emptiness?

I guess this shows, people experience life in different ways. Perhaps they do recognize that what we have is good and acceptable but are also saying it can be much better... and they fret over the 10% that could be improved. Don't get me wrong, I'm all in favor of ambition and progress and we should definitely strive to achieve more. But do we have to be such grumps about it?

I like to think that my optimism isn't just mindless, hopeless empty rhetoric. My optimism comes from focusing on the positives, in the beauty of things. I believe to bear the burdens of life well (and so far it's worked), we must try to take the best things out of situations and learn from it and adapt because of it. To notice only the negatives or dwell mostly on the negatives distracts you far too easily from the positives and leads you to a path of frustration.

If you look for the negatives, you are sure to find it in everything.

There are times when I've talked excitedly to others about a certain movie, restaurant, store or product, only to be met with an unenthusiastic or condescending "...it was OK, it was so so". Perhaps these folks have a much finer taste in these things that is beyond me... or are just different, which is fine.

Yes, having different opinions and perspectives makes life interesting, sometimes leading to great duels of words and ideas. With that in mind, I optimistically hope that you take note of the beautiful and good things in life and learn to focus on them. Disagree as you may with others, I ask that you try not to ruin the good and beautiful things experienced by them.

“Those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault. Those who find beautiful meanings in beautiful things are the cultivated. For these there is hope. They are the elect to whom beautiful things mean only beauty.” (Preface)

The Picture of Dorian Gray – Oscar Wilde

Coming out of university, I felt the pressure to identify myself for the rest of my life. Who am I? What was I to become? Someone great? Software developer? Engineer? All sorts of titles emanated from the dominant and impenetrable corporate monoliths.

A few days ago, I was asked by a coworker, "what is your brand?" All new hires in our company go to a huge convention to get indoctrinated in the ways of the company. And there, we are convinced that we work for a great company and we are told to develop our "brand" - what you are known for.

While this is good advice, and I still believed in most of the corporate indoctrination, the question didn't sit well with me - "what is your brand?" I mean I believe in striving and developing myself in a broad sense, but to state my "brand" then and there... In the few moments of the conversation, the concept of my "brand" became a cliche to me.

In a few words, how is it possible to explain yourself? - as if to pitch a business idea in an elevator. How is it possible to explain who you are, everything you do in the different facets of your life, every meaningful thing you believe in, in a mere sentence?

I believe who we are encompasses our whole lives - beginning to the end. We are like a book, and a day of our lives is a page. Who you see now, who you judge me to be... can only have come from the few pages you've seen.

And anyone that quickly assumes you fall into some category, and doesn't bother with getting to know you... there is a category they will quickly fall in to - I'm sorry to say.

"What is your brand?"

Honestly, I don't feel like selling right now... so keep reading.

Which to me is about thankfulness.

In the past, I used to think that I didn't need money and wealth because I found contentment; I need very little to be happy.

For my parents, it was different because they grew up in a country rebuilding after war. For them it was a world where everyone was trying to survive and get ahead. But here I am, thinking at one point that I was enlightened and better than this.

Of course it's easy to think like this when I have not tasted poverty and have been well provided all my life.

Question:
So then which is it?

Is it the fact that I've lived a good life, with much support from family and friends that I can say I am humble and thankful? A result of exterior influences?

Or is this something in my core, that would be thankful and humble despite hardship and injustice?

Answer... sort of, not really, more questions:
If the answer is both external influences and internal character, then I can accept that. But then I'm left to wonder, in the truest sense of introspection, what kind of person I would be in a hostile environment.

If I grew up in a country with poverty, in a broken family, and hence felt a huge sense of injustice at the world... would I still be as I am now? Or would I be bitter and full of anger. But then am I now legitimizing those that do bad things because of their external influences?

Or for those that have been given so much and are still not content, that still have a sense of injustice, greed and entitlement... are they to be pitied because they can't find contentment even with so much?

Or does this really matter at all? Don't worry because I still remain thankful and content.
Hmm... Paul did speak of the secret of contentment. I wish I could speak to him now...

Perhaps this is an overdose of introspection and my head hurts.
I think I will move on to more productive things.

Dreams are supposedly hard to remember because we don't access our long term memory when we dream. That's why we forget them so easily. In my lifetime, I've had some interesting dreams... of which I've forgotten most. I just know I had them... I think. But there have been two such dreams which were very vivid and which I remember to this day.

During my last year of university, I was extremely stressed and approaching a breaking point. I was doubtful of my future and felt no control of my destiny, regardless of how much I tried. Where was my life to go? I faced the possibility of going nowhere with no undergrad degree, no prospects. This future, or lack of it, was very real and tangible. And the thought of any Biblical story was far from my mind.

Then one night, out of nowhere, I dreamt of Peter walking on water toward Jesus from Matthew 14. It was vivid like a movie playing in my mind. The viewpoint was from Peter's eyes and I remember walking out on to the water and looking down at my feet.

Have faith like Peter and you can do great things. A voiced lingered in my mind.

Although Peter eventually felt fear and fell into the water, he had the initial faith to step out and walk.

Have faith like Peter and you can do great things.

This message has had a profound impact on my life. With God holding me together, I got through it. I did graduate, I got a job against all odds and I found a purpose. I am so thankful for this and I know that there is work to be done.

Another dream I had was several years prior to the one above. This other dream was of the scary kind.

The morning of September 11th, 2001 at around 7:50 am... yes, the day of the attacks on the World Trade Center, I awoke from a nightmare.

In the dream, I had the sense that the end of the world was coming - dread, fear and panic.

I was on my 11th floor apartment balcony facing the east. My mom and I, we were looking to the sky and it was red and we could feel intense heat on our skin. Up in the sky, hurling towards us were four fireballs. At these times I wish I could paint like Renoir.

"What does it mean?"
"What does it mean to you?"
I simply don't know, but there were four planes that crashed that day and many people died. I suppose the dream was like a "disturbance in the force".

God works in mysterious ways, and he is not always clear to us and things become evident much later. I believe God speaks when He so chooses.

There have been times in my life where it was absolutely hopeless; A place where my spirit was broken. I did everything possible according to my own strength and still failed.

And to this very day and many years to come, I remain utterly thankful for the life given to me.

Many years ago, my beloved Athos gave me a fountain pen as a gift. I was taken aback by the elegance of the writing instrument. The curves, the weight and the power; the smooth yet textured feeling when writing with it, is unmatched.

Unfortunately, the ink did not flow to see great poetry nor the signing of extravagant checks. It saw mostly the writing of calculus formulas, the scribbles of the writer dozing off in lectures and the occasional doodles.

Being in the IT business, I no longer write much with a pen. Instead, the keyboard has become my pen... and coffee has become my ink.

How I do miss those days of writing.

But I suppose if I dwell on this pen too much, I am missing the point. I suppose the point is really about writing, speaking, thinking and ultimately, expression.

This blog has been a joy because it gives me the freedom to write. And as my dear philosopher friend quotes an article in her blog - "Blogs are by nature very personal—an intimate, often ferocious expression of the blogger's passions"

Although the fountain pen, the mighty fountain pen may be dead, may you live to express freely.

Dress shirts are a particular favorite of my wardrobe. I may not seem like a shirt aficionado but I have come to appreciate a well fitting shirt carefully put together. Having to wear dress shirts most of my week, I have noticed the different styles and fabric used.

I will discuss some particulars that I like.

First and foremost is the white dress shirt. While framing the face, it also gives off an extremely clean and fresh aura (more so than Irish Spring soap!). Now add a touch of embroidered fabric and you are ready to seize the day!

Next is the French blue dress shirt, which is a standard in any wardrobe. This blue works well because it gives off a deep and rich look about it. The French sure know something when it comes to shirts. You can have patterns that add sophistication, but be wary of lined blue shirts that look like pajamas.

Cuffs and Cuff links - while most of my shirts are the standard button cuffs, there are some that are "convertible". I have not ventured to use cuff links yet but I do agree that they look cool and sophisticated (think of Jame Bond). Keep in mind that cuffs with cuff links can get in the way of eating, since they stick out of the wrists.

French cuffs are very interesting because ... well just because it's French and it sounds foreign. The double folded stiff cuffs frame the wrists (a recurring theme of "framing").

Collar styles - Now there are numerous different styles of collars out there which I won't get into. All I will say is that there are collars with wide and narrow tips. I hear that if you have a round face, you should get the narrow tips, where as if you have a sharp face, then get the wide collar tips... that is if you are wearing a tie. If you don't wear a tie then any style with one button open is good enough. But please! just one button open only.

Patterns - now if its a patterned dress shirt (like diagonal lines), take note of where the fabric panels meet. If its a fine crafted shirt, the pattern will more or less meet up, especially where the arm meets the shoulder panel.

Collar stays - no other purpose than to make your collar tips straight (they slide into the collar tip)... or maybe you can use them to pick locks. Check out these 24 karat gold plated collar stays from: www.ikebeharstore.com

That's it for now.

And no.. I don't wear custom made shirts. Imports from Korea are just fine with me.

Remember to always iron your shirts!

Taylor 310ce - Crisp, black binding flanks the satin-finish sapele back and sides and glossy Sitka spruce top, and then continues up the fretboard. The 300 Series is truly the performer’s workhorse, combining technology and craftsmanship with understated style.

This is Taylor - the love of my life... as moderate materialism will allow. She is my curvaceous Taylor that sings beautifully.

Someone once said... the instrument has to be greater than the musician. It has to be far greater so that the musician can always aspire to get better and use the instrument to its fullest.

Perhaps this is just an excuse to spend $

I was at worship practice today and one of her strings broke.... what a harrowing ordeal it turned out to be. You see, she is young, naive and thinks very highly of herself. Thinks she is the most beautiful guitar in the world. And very picky and fickle she is - high maintenance you can say.

As I was winding up the new string, lo and behold, the string BREAKS!
So I try again with another new string and the same shocking result, the string breaks.
...she is trying to tell me something...
I realized that I accidentally put the wrong gauge string on the guitar.
Finding the correct gauge string, I proceed to wind up ... then SNAP!
...she is just getting back at me...

The unthinkable... I broke 4 guitar string today. And the worst part is, I have the horrible sound of the string snapping still in my head.

Being a new guitar, I guess one of the metal edges may be sharp and causing the strings to break.


I think she is mad at me... But I'm not sure

Is that bad??