Introspection + Contemplation + Ideals

I have to remind myself of my past. I try not to forget where I've come from and what I've been through.

I think too many times there is a tenancy to have gold fish memory. It's easy to forget the trials we've been through, the dreams that have come true and the miracles that have happened in our lives.

Leading up to a dire or pivotal moment in life, all our attention is solely focussed on it, yet when it's over, we just accept it. And quickly it becomes insignificant and passively we move on to the next event in our lives. Too easily, it is erased by the next crisis.

As a child, think how much you wanted that particular toy.

Or when you were getting your drivers license, how you longed for the freedom to drive on the open road.

Or when you were applying to college or university, how desperately you wanted to get in to the program of your choice, thinking that it would forever determine your future.

Or when you looked for that first job after graduating, what a seemingly impossible task it was.

Or how earnestly you wanted to be in a relationship with a significant other.

Or how close you came to dying.

These pivotal moments in life are numerous and likely insignificant now. How many of them do we see as just luck or merely the logical sequence of events in hindsight?

I believe we are richly blessed as kings and queens in this world... yet we go about living, forgetting where we have come from, the importance of what we have been through. Instead of these events changing us permanently and leaving an everlasting mark on us, we go on as if nothing happened.

We have to remember to remember.

Is my mind half full or half empty? Of what you ask? I like to think that it's more full of optimism than not.

Some may see this glass of liquid as 'half full' while some may see the same cup as 'half empty'.

Just like the glass, you can look at life from different perspectives and have different opinions on things. A matter of optimism vs. pessimism, positivity vs. negativity.

There are things in life that I really value, that I find worth in. What those are exactly is not the point, but I'm thinking in a broader general sense. Take my university experience for example. As I discussed before, I learned and grew much. But to some others, the university experience (be it the particular school or program of study) was a waste of time and money.

Or take church for example. Some are negative about (their own) church and say it lacks this and that and express discontentment. But the exact same church is my place of comfort and contentment. Can we see things so differently?

Or Canadian health-care for example. Some say that the country's health care is deteriorating. But easily forgotten is the fact that we have universal public health care and state of the art medical facilities which many in the world don't have.

Do you notice the fullness or the emptiness?

I guess this shows, people experience life in different ways. Perhaps they do recognize that what we have is good and acceptable but are also saying it can be much better... and they fret over the 10% that could be improved. Don't get me wrong, I'm all in favor of ambition and progress and we should definitely strive to achieve more. But do we have to be such grumps about it?

I like to think that my optimism isn't just mindless, hopeless empty rhetoric. My optimism comes from focusing on the positives, in the beauty of things. I believe to bear the burdens of life well (and so far it's worked), we must try to take the best things out of situations and learn from it and adapt because of it. To notice only the negatives or dwell mostly on the negatives distracts you far too easily from the positives and leads you to a path of frustration.

If you look for the negatives, you are sure to find it in everything.

There are times when I've talked excitedly to others about a certain movie, restaurant, store or product, only to be met with an unenthusiastic or condescending "...it was OK, it was so so". Perhaps these folks have a much finer taste in these things that is beyond me... or are just different, which is fine.

Yes, having different opinions and perspectives makes life interesting, sometimes leading to great duels of words and ideas. With that in mind, I optimistically hope that you take note of the beautiful and good things in life and learn to focus on them. Disagree as you may with others, I ask that you try not to ruin the good and beautiful things experienced by them.

“Those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault. Those who find beautiful meanings in beautiful things are the cultivated. For these there is hope. They are the elect to whom beautiful things mean only beauty.” (Preface)

The Picture of Dorian Gray – Oscar Wilde

Coming out of university, I felt the pressure to identify myself for the rest of my life. Who am I? What was I to become? Someone great? Software developer? Engineer? All sorts of titles emanated from the dominant and impenetrable corporate monoliths.

A few days ago, I was asked by a coworker, "what is your brand?" All new hires in our company go to a huge convention to get indoctrinated in the ways of the company. And there, we are convinced that we work for a great company and we are told to develop our "brand" - what you are known for.

While this is good advice, and I still believed in most of the corporate indoctrination, the question didn't sit well with me - "what is your brand?" I mean I believe in striving and developing myself in a broad sense, but to state my "brand" then and there... In the few moments of the conversation, the concept of my "brand" became a cliche to me.

In a few words, how is it possible to explain yourself? - as if to pitch a business idea in an elevator. How is it possible to explain who you are, everything you do in the different facets of your life, every meaningful thing you believe in, in a mere sentence?

I believe who we are encompasses our whole lives - beginning to the end. We are like a book, and a day of our lives is a page. Who you see now, who you judge me to be... can only have come from the few pages you've seen.

And anyone that quickly assumes you fall into some category, and doesn't bother with getting to know you... there is a category they will quickly fall in to - I'm sorry to say.

"What is your brand?"

Honestly, I don't feel like selling right now... so keep reading.

Which to me is about thankfulness.

In the past, I used to think that I didn't need money and wealth because I found contentment; I need very little to be happy.

For my parents, it was different because they grew up in a country rebuilding after war. For them it was a world where everyone was trying to survive and get ahead. But here I am, thinking at one point that I was enlightened and better than this.

Of course it's easy to think like this when I have not tasted poverty and have been well provided all my life.

Question:
So then which is it?

Is it the fact that I've lived a good life, with much support from family and friends that I can say I am humble and thankful? A result of exterior influences?

Or is this something in my core, that would be thankful and humble despite hardship and injustice?

Answer... sort of, not really, more questions:
If the answer is both external influences and internal character, then I can accept that. But then I'm left to wonder, in the truest sense of introspection, what kind of person I would be in a hostile environment.

If I grew up in a country with poverty, in a broken family, and hence felt a huge sense of injustice at the world... would I still be as I am now? Or would I be bitter and full of anger. But then am I now legitimizing those that do bad things because of their external influences?

Or for those that have been given so much and are still not content, that still have a sense of injustice, greed and entitlement... are they to be pitied because they can't find contentment even with so much?

Or does this really matter at all? Don't worry because I still remain thankful and content.
Hmm... Paul did speak of the secret of contentment. I wish I could speak to him now...

Perhaps this is an overdose of introspection and my head hurts.
I think I will move on to more productive things.

Dreams are supposedly hard to remember because we don't access our long term memory when we dream. That's why we forget them so easily. In my lifetime, I've had some interesting dreams... of which I've forgotten most. I just know I had them... I think. But there have been two such dreams which were very vivid and which I remember to this day.

During my last year of university, I was extremely stressed and approaching a breaking point. I was doubtful of my future and felt no control of my destiny, regardless of how much I tried. Where was my life to go? I faced the possibility of going nowhere with no undergrad degree, no prospects. This future, or lack of it, was very real and tangible. And the thought of any Biblical story was far from my mind.

Then one night, out of nowhere, I dreamt of Peter walking on water toward Jesus from Matthew 14. It was vivid like a movie playing in my mind. The viewpoint was from Peter's eyes and I remember walking out on to the water and looking down at my feet.

Have faith like Peter and you can do great things. A voiced lingered in my mind.

Although Peter eventually felt fear and fell into the water, he had the initial faith to step out and walk.

Have faith like Peter and you can do great things.

This message has had a profound impact on my life. With God holding me together, I got through it. I did graduate, I got a job against all odds and I found a purpose. I am so thankful for this and I know that there is work to be done.

Another dream I had was several years prior to the one above. This other dream was of the scary kind.

The morning of September 11th, 2001 at around 7:50 am... yes, the day of the attacks on the World Trade Center, I awoke from a nightmare.

In the dream, I had the sense that the end of the world was coming - dread, fear and panic.

I was on my 11th floor apartment balcony facing the east. My mom and I, we were looking to the sky and it was red and we could feel intense heat on our skin. Up in the sky, hurling towards us were four fireballs. At these times I wish I could paint like Renoir.

"What does it mean?"
"What does it mean to you?"
I simply don't know, but there were four planes that crashed that day and many people died. I suppose the dream was like a "disturbance in the force".

God works in mysterious ways, and he is not always clear to us and things become evident much later. I believe God speaks when He so chooses.

There have been times in my life where it was absolutely hopeless; A place where my spirit was broken. I did everything possible according to my own strength and still failed.

And to this very day and many years to come, I remain utterly thankful for the life given to me.